Le Grand Mystere Continues

Our other sucker fish disappeared the other day, which is sad because I was starting to get attached. I'd named him Jaws.

I know; I'm a little teary too.

I'm beginning to think that some of the water from the Bermuda Triangle was rerouted to our kitchen sink in Utah. But if that's the case, why isn't Amelia Earhart swimming around in our fish tank?

The more likely theory is that the apartment managers are sneaking in when we're gone and stealing our fish for their tank. Jason and I may have to do a covert rescue mission. First we'll go into the office with a "question." Jason will distract the managers while I find Jaws and his brother in the 20 gallon tank where they'll send up Morse code (SOS, of course) in bubbles. Then we'll take shifts watching the outer door when the managers punch in the key code. Probably I will take most of these shifts because I am unemployed. (Who knew unemployment could come in handy?) After we've successfully learned the door code, we'll return to the office with another false question so I can signal to the fish (Morse code again, this time in taps on the tank) when to be ready for rescue. Finally, dressed in all black and playing the Mission: Impossible theme in our iPods, we'll sneak into the office in the dead of night with a net and some plastic bags to rescue our kidnapped pets. It will be brilliant! We'll be heroes in the world of fish. Aquatic life in the oceans will build monuments to us out of coral and seaweed.

You may be wondering why our fish would be so much happier in our tank than in our apartment managers' tank. The answer is obvious: privacy. It's the difference between sharing a three bedroom apartment with eighteen people and sharing a one bedroom apartment with only one other person. And of course, if the apartment managers are wandering around stealing peoples' pets, where's the guarantee that they'll treat the pets well? They're already on morally shaky ground.

And if you're wondering how the word will get from our tank in Provo, UT, to the fishies in the deep blue sea, that's a valid question. But the answer, again, is obvious: Amelia Earhart will use the portal between our fishtank and the Atlantic ocean to share our brave adventures with all fishkind.

Knowing (SPOILER!)

(So, I'm going to tell what happens in the movie. Normally I don't do this--not for books, not for movies, not for anything--but I feel like I have to. So know that if you read this, it will spoil the movie for you. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

So, we went and saw Knowing today. You've probably seen the previews. Nicolas Cage, a page full of numbers, prophecies of disaster--is this ringing any bells? Well, it should be. And that's basically the movie. Our friend Nic tries to make sense of the idea that events could be known before they happened, and then he stops trying to make sense of things and buys a gun. But anyway, I'm right there with Nic (who, as a side note, I find sort of creepy) throughout the movie. Figure out what the next disaster will be, try to stop said disaster, save the world--no problem. But then he finds out that the last prophecy is going to destroy the whole world, and there really isn't anything he can do to stop it. He can't even save his son and the daughter and granddaughter of the crazy woman who made the prophecies. And I'm still holding out for Nic; I mean, there has to be a solution, right? Oh, and there is. That solution? Aliens.

Oh, of course! Aliens! I can't believe that plot twist surprised me because it makes total sense that alie--oh, wait, no. No it doesn't. It's completely random. This group of guys who look like hairy white supremacists and who I thought--not without reason--were possibly Satan and his demons or worse for the whole movie suddenly turn out to be benevolent alien angels who give children bunnies.

I am not kidding.

Oh, and the two children Nic was trying to protect get taken by the aliens and turned into Adam and Eve while Nic and the rest of the earthlings die. The end.

Jason says that I can't forget that a new Ford F-250 gets destroyed by fire. This is obviously the greatest tragedy of the story.

But what I want to know is What were the writers thinking? I mean, I really want to know. So I did an interview with the writers of the movie in my head to see what they said.

Me: So. Aliens?

Writers: Yes, aliens.

Me: Hmmm. What's up with that?

Writers: What do you mean?

Me: Well, it's kind of random. You know, the whole white-supremacists-turned-alien-angels thing. So I was wondering, did you just not know how to end the movie? And so you just thought, Oh, right, aliens?

Writers: Well, no, actually. We wanted to end the movie that way from the beginning.

Me: Right. So, then, you hated the movie and thought you would make it as ridiculous as possible?

Writers: No. This was one of our favorite projects.

Me: Hm. Well, I also noticed that Nicolas Cage had a certain fondness for bourbon in the movie. Do you also have a fondness for bourbon? Were you perhaps drunk when you wrote the movie, and then when you found out what you had written it was too late to change it?

Writers: Well, we will admit to a certain fondness for bourbon and other alcoholic drinks, but we believe this to be the sanest work of our lives. There is a depth to the script that we love. It asks questions that have no clear answers. We just wanted to get people thinking, you know?

Me: About what? How this movie was extremely similar to A.I. in its ending and how much we hated A.I.? Cause believe me, I hated A.I. And it also ended with random aliens.

Writers: No, we wanted people to think about the forces that control the universe. Are events predetermined and controlled? Or are they random? And if they are predetermined, are the forces setting these events in motion good or evil?

Me: Well, see, I was thinking about predestination verses coincidence, and then the aliens showed up and I got distracted. I kind of can't get beyond that now. Not even to think about good and evil. The aliens all I can think about. The only question I can even get through my mind is What in the H is the deal with those aliens?

Writers: Well, that's too bad. I'm sorry to see that our message was unclear to you. We never meant for the aliens to take over the movie. They were just supposed to be a stand in for whatever is out there, possibly controlling all our destinies.

Me: Well, maybe not aliens next time, okay? Or maybe at least give some kind of, I don't know, clue that maybe aliens might come up. But otherwise, really great movie!

Writers: Thanks. We're glad you enjoyed it.

So there you have it. The writers were on crack. It's the only logical conclusion.