Dove Strikes Again

Last night Jason, Traci (his sister and now mine!), and I went to the cheap theater to escape inevitable encounters with certain persons. But that's not the point. The point is, we took candy! Yes, I always sneak outside food into theaters. Cuff me, officer; I'm a criminal.

Back to my point. We took candy, specifically, Dove chocolates. And you know how I love Dove chocolates. All that creamy goodness wrapped in blue aluminum with jokes on the inside! When the movie sucked, I was suitably entertained by my illegal treats. Let me share with you a few of Dove's better jokes:

1."Smile when you want to, cry when you need to, laugh whenever possible." Thanks for permission, Dove. I wasn't sure I was allowed to feel, but I'm glad the physical manifestations of my emotions meet with your approval.

2. "Think of every day as a Sunday." What does that even mean? Okay, it makes some sense in a Christian context, but it's not PC right now to make overt Christian references on candy wrappers. After all, it's not Christmas. (That was a hint to you, Walmart, Fred Meyer, JoAnn's, and all the rest of you retail outifts trying to gloss over the fall holidays like redheaded stepchildren during a family introduction.) So Dove probably doesn't mean this in a Christian way.

But it also evokes the thought of Sunday drives, general laziness, naps, and maybe barbeques. Is Dove telling me to do these things every day? Should I tell my boss (I know I don't actually have a job and therefore don't have a boss; this is hypothetical. Stop rubbing my failure to become gainfully employed in my face!) that I can't come in to work because I have to treat every day as a Sunday, so I'm having a barbeque instead? That I can't finish that important project on time because I have to go for a long, slow drive? Thanks for getting me fired from my hypothetical job, Dove. Jerk.

3. And speaking of failures, my personal favorite: "Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect." Translation: "You suck. I don't even know you, and I know that. But you can call it 'imperfection' and talk of 'tolerance' and 'human nature' if it makes you feel better, Screw Up."

And those were the nuggets of wisdom Dove had to offer during this economic crisis, all for a whopping $3.99 a bag. Now run along and buy a bag yourself so you, too, can "Share a chocolate moment with a friend." If you have any, that is. Loser.

Yummy Candy, Crappy Sentiments

Today I received the ultimate crappy Valentine's Day candy sentiment from the master of all crappy candy sentiments, Dove chocolates. A group of girls presented about theater in my Shakespeare class, and as a treat, one of the girls handed out the little Dove chocolate miniatures. You know, the kind that are usually square, with a worse-than-fortune-cookie sentiment on the inside of the wrapper? Yeah, it was that kind. Only, for Valentine's Day the candy is heart shaped and the saying on the inside was worse than usual.

After I had opened my candy, I read, "Be your own Valentine." Now, that sentence, though one of the worst sentiments ever expressed on candy wrapper, was also one of the funniest. What, I thought, could be a better sentiment for a young, single girl to receive from her chocolate when she's sitting at home alone on Valentine's Day? I only hope that the thousands of young, single girls who buy themselves bags of Dove chocolates on Valentine's will open and read the sentiment on that particular chocolate right as Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy finally hook up.

Thank you, Dove, for contributing to the tears of single adult women everywhere.