A Two Year Old's Guide to Eating PB&J

Step One: Make sure Mommy has separated your sandwich into halves, even if your sandwich is only a half to begin with.

Step Two: Open each half to inspect the contents. Determine whether Mommy used creamy or crunchy peanut butter.

Step Three: If she used crunchy, pick each peanut chunk out of the sandwich and eat it. If she used creamy, pick each imaginary peanut out of the sandwich and eat it. Make sure to leave behind holes where the "peanuts" were.

Step Four: Complain about your sticky hands in your "pre-meltdown" voice until Mommy wipes them clean.

Step Five: Hold each open-faced sandwich in both hands and eat right down the middle, biting like a half-starved T-rex into the fleshy center of your sandwich, but only on three of your four portions. Stay well away from any crust portion. Cry crocodile tears if the bread rips even a little.

Step Six: Using your fingers, pull small bits of the sandwich, including bread this time, away from the area of the crust, saving them from potential crustiness by quickly devouring them. Do this down to the crust on only one portion of your sandwich, and halfway on a second portion.

Step Seven: When you have consumed all the peanuts, three of middles, and one and a half of the sides of your now open-faced sandwich, call out "Done! Down!" and "Wash hands sticky hands!" until Mommy gives up on her "one more bite" pleas, wipes you down, and frees you from your high chair.

Step Eight: Immediately request a snack.