Last night Jason, Traci (his sister and now mine!), and I went to the cheap theater to escape inevitable encounters with certain persons. But that's not the point. The point is, we took candy! Yes, I always sneak outside food into theaters. Cuff me, officer; I'm a criminal.
Back to my point. We took candy, specifically, Dove chocolates. And you know how I love Dove chocolates. All that creamy goodness wrapped in blue aluminum with jokes on the inside! When the movie sucked, I was suitably entertained by my illegal treats. Let me share with you a few of Dove's better jokes:
1."Smile when you want to, cry when you need to, laugh whenever possible." Thanks for permission, Dove. I wasn't sure I was allowed to feel, but I'm glad the physical manifestations of my emotions meet with your approval.
2. "Think of every day as a Sunday." What does that even mean? Okay, it makes some sense in a Christian context, but it's not PC right now to make overt Christian references on candy wrappers. After all, it's not Christmas. (That was a hint to you, Walmart, Fred Meyer, JoAnn's, and all the rest of you retail outifts trying to gloss over the fall holidays like redheaded stepchildren during a family introduction.) So Dove probably doesn't mean this in a Christian way.
But it also evokes the thought of Sunday drives, general laziness, naps, and maybe barbeques. Is Dove telling me to do these things every day? Should I tell my boss (I know I don't actually have a job and therefore don't have a boss; this is hypothetical. Stop rubbing my failure to become gainfully employed in my face!) that I can't come in to work because I have to treat every day as a Sunday, so I'm having a barbeque instead? That I can't finish that important project on time because I have to go for a long, slow drive? Thanks for getting me fired from my hypothetical job, Dove. Jerk.
3. And speaking of failures, my personal favorite: "Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect." Translation: "You suck. I don't even know you, and I know that. But you can call it 'imperfection' and talk of 'tolerance' and 'human nature' if it makes you feel better, Screw Up."
And those were the nuggets of wisdom Dove had to offer during this economic crisis, all for a whopping $3.99 a bag. Now run along and buy a bag yourself so you, too, can "Share a chocolate moment with a friend." If you have any, that is. Loser.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Of Fads and Food Blogs
I try not to get into fads too much, and not for the reason you might think. Though I like being original just as much as other people, I am not about to sacrifice my Harry Potter collection on the altar of Individuality. No, I don't like getting into fads because it is too detrimental to my bank account to keep Practical Tina—a version of myself I dislike only slightly less than Fitness Tina—occupied quietly in the back of my mind where I like her. But despite my best efforts, I've fallen in with a fad that I am hopeless now to resist. Like collecting mini Beanie Babies from McDonald's when I was young, I will continue to read food blogs avidly until they are replaced by something made of plastic or I die of obesity.
At first I just took a quick gander at the first recipe on the page. If I liked it, I copied it into Word and went on to the next site. But now, sites like the Smitten Kitchen have me reading through their posts and copying recipes that include foods I hate, like matza. And I blame it on the pictures. I don't know of any recipe I would not try if I saw that it was slathered with chocolate ganache. It's my kryptonite, or Superhero Tina's, anyway.
Okay, well, the pictures are a big part of it, yes. But the real reason I am so enthralled by food blogs is, I think, that food blogs, with their recipes for foods like fudgy brownie cookies and lemon cheesecake, offend Fitness Tina. And there's almost nothing I like more than spitting in her skinny face and kicking her in her sculpted buns. And since eating is a necessity, Practical Tina doesn't put up too much of a fight at my buying obscene amounts of cream cheese, baking chocolate, and strange spices. And if Practical Tina isn't going to put up a fight, well, I'm certainly not going to complain. To the baking aisle, Superhero Tina!
At first I just took a quick gander at the first recipe on the page. If I liked it, I copied it into Word and went on to the next site. But now, sites like the Smitten Kitchen have me reading through their posts and copying recipes that include foods I hate, like matza. And I blame it on the pictures. I don't know of any recipe I would not try if I saw that it was slathered with chocolate ganache. It's my kryptonite, or Superhero Tina's, anyway.
Okay, well, the pictures are a big part of it, yes. But the real reason I am so enthralled by food blogs is, I think, that food blogs, with their recipes for foods like fudgy brownie cookies and lemon cheesecake, offend Fitness Tina. And there's almost nothing I like more than spitting in her skinny face and kicking her in her sculpted buns. And since eating is a necessity, Practical Tina doesn't put up too much of a fight at my buying obscene amounts of cream cheese, baking chocolate, and strange spices. And if Practical Tina isn't going to put up a fight, well, I'm certainly not going to complain. To the baking aisle, Superhero Tina!
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